So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
