I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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