does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
