Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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