I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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