My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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