Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
two words: eviction party
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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