Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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