Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The adults are the big ones right?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
