I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
