Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
