I am puke
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
