I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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