i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
