I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
