thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
