So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
