community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
