My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
