Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize