maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
