I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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