Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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