I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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