That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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