Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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