she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
