I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
