I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
