Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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