Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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