the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
