What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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