She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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