You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
