doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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