I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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