Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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