that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
