I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
