I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
