The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
