His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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