this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
