Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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