How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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