We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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