One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
