She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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