I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
