You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
