You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
