I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
