im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
