Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
