Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
