u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize