opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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