first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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