I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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