Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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