Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
