also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
